This is my quickly written starter post. I will start my Blog on this day* for three reasons:
- It is my youngest child’s birthday. It is a momentous day for us both. He begins his journey into “adulthood” and faces a tremendously exciting ride! On this day I have completed a magical circle of some kind. This circle stops the cycle that has mutated every molecule I have inhaled, from my first gasping breath until now.
- Yesterday was the historic day giving my partner and I the right to marry.
- Ironically, today I knew that it was time to end the current cycle of abuse that has imprisoned me for the last seven years. Today is another great beginning and I take a painful, gasping breath of my own.
June 27th 1994, the day my last child was born. In 21 years I have re-created abusive cycles in my life…let me see…three more times. How many were there before that? Plenty. That’s all the mental energy I will put into that question for now.
June 27th 2015, I am feeling a deep ache in my chest again, yet this ache has a generous portion of joy and lightness blended in. I am sad. I am grieving the loss of many things but I am not heartbroken this time, which is a tragic and profound fact. S/he was an experience I had, but what will I have learned when it is over? I say “when” because I need to be careful not to think that the worst has passed. Everyone says things will get much worse before they get better unless s/he has already chosen and begun the courting of the next “female body”. If s/he has not, then this next week and the first few weeks after I get back from “Vision Quest 52” will be the most dangerous. Both Patricia Evans and my therapist Lisa have warned me. Lisa told me today, “this will get worse before it gets better”. Her caution continued, “Because these methods have worked before, s/he will ramp up efforts to make it work again”. S/he has been physically violent in the past so I need to be aware that it is a possibility again now. I won’t assume it is so, but I will be conscious and careful.
Vision Quest 52 begins. It is my hope that clarity comes to us all as we travel together.
*Midnight passed me by. The first post was supposed to be the 27th. Perfect really, this is classic me. “Classic me” is a great way to begin this journey.